Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Tea Party Dictionary, a guide

Ever wondered what "Real America" means? Or how precisely Sarah Palin defines communism and fascism? Look no further.

America, the real America, Americans: this is code for white, conservative people who dwell within 49 of the 50 United States (Hawaii is suspicious), but preferably away from the coasts. Especially the east coast. America, the real America and Americans all love guns and God and hate abortion. Activities such as shooting things are American. Activities such as helping other people to do anything are un-American.

Birth Certificate: This is a code phrase often applied to the 44th President of the United States, Barack Obama, and is meant to indicate that he is not really American and cannot prove that he is by showing his birth certificate. The phrase continues to be used despite conclusive evidence that the President was born in Hawaii (see America, the real America, Americans).

Border, Borders: The borders define the edges of America, but not of the real America which is a more nebulous concept. It is at these borders that 'illegals' get into America and undermine America by working extraordinarily hard with no help at all from the Government or their neighbors, who all hate them.

Communism: Is used to define any plan or program, usually put in place by the government, that has any aspirations to help the poor. The word 'red' and the phrase 'redistribution of wealth' are also regularly applied. All are meant to imply that the ordinary business of a capitalist government, to provide the things that the free market does not, is sinister and evil. Draws on mythology created in the 1950s and 1960s.

Constitution, Constitutional: The constitution is a document that must be used to define and defend only right-wing actions. Anything liberal or progressive is 'unconstitutional', no matter how desperate the logic used to arrive at this conclusion. Torture, for example, is constitutional though 'cruel and unusual punishment', is specifically forbidden in the document. But the rescue of the financial sector was unconstitutional.

Fascism: Any decision that does not agree with a right-wing perspective, approved by democratically elected lawmakers in various arms of Government and signed into law by the democratically elected President, is Fascism. Obama is thus Hitler. Both men were apparently known for their moderate views and hosting of seders.

Freedom: Is defined as the rights of any individual to do anything, without government interference, as long as those things do not include falling in love with a member of one's own gender, or deciding to get an abortion.

Government, big Government, takeover by: The Government, like ACORN, is a sinister organization with secret aims to enslave all Americans by providing them with cheap, easy-to-access healthcare, helping students get reasonable loans and many other such disgusting ploys.

Kenya: Is a mysterious place where monsters roam, and devilish people plot to put one of their own into the White House and thus take over the world. It is a little like Mordor. But with black people in.

Mainstream Media: Like ACORN and the Government, the Mainstream Media is a nefarious cabal who, unbeknownst to most of the nation, meet in smoky dens to deliberately play down conservative ideas and promote liberal ones by using 'journalism' and 'objectivity'. Fox News, Rush Limbaugh and a select few others eschew these tools and are safely above the conspiracy.

Marriage, Sanctity of: Any mention of this phrase is code for 'I don't know what's right, but I know that gay people freak me out and and make me feel funny, and it just ain't right and it shouldn't be allowed'.

Patriotic: Any American, preferably a Real American, who supports all wars, decries all foreigners and attempts to help the poor, even if poor themselves, is patriotic.

Socialism, Socialized: A sinister political system in which any consideration at all is given to anyone except the wealthiest and most privileged in society.

Your, You're: A totally arbitrary, communist, socialist, fascist distinction that is used to help hope-mongering, gay, liberal elites without birth certificates, Politicians, the Government, ACORN and the Mainstream Media take wealth, taxes and freedom and responsibility away from mavericks, Joe the Plumber, Patriots, America and the Real America and away to some post-ObamaCare Kenya.

Click here to see this article with full color photographs, complete with misspelled slurs: http://gawker.com/5506871/the-illustrated-tea-party-dictionary